Study Finds Most Food in Hamsterdam Hill Has Worms

Local Science and Research Firm 'Hamsterdam Labs' has recently completed a study that has concluded that about 75% of Hamsterdam's food has worms in it. "Actually, we found it was closer to 100%, but my boss mentioned to 'cut it down a little, we don't want everybody to know what's really going on,"  mentioned junior research assistant at Hamsterdam Labs, Kelp Dingus, 21. Kelp continued, saying, "And let me clarify, it was less of a study, and more of me picking things out of the trash and making some drawings in a notebook. See? There was really no research done whatsoever." The head scientist of Hamsterdam Labs was unable to be reached for comment, but a cryptic note was found on his door, stating "THE END IS NIGH! COLLECT AS MANY KITTENS AS YOU CAN!", as a slight trail of blood was pooling underneath the threshold of his office. As of press time, Hamsterdam Hill's police chief has urged citizens to "Listen to the scientist. I've already got quite the kitten collection going."