Lung Cancer Sweeps Hamsterdam

Cancer cases in Hamsterdam Hill are expected to surge 107% in the next 10 years, according to a study conducted by the Hamsterdam Hill Health Problems and Other Horrific Things Organization.

William Alderson, director of the HHHPOHTO, said the study did not directly link this sudden rise in cancer cases to the legalization of cigarette sales to hamsters, but that he is pretty damn sure the two are related.

After the release of the study, protestors called for Mayor Harrington to repeal the law. “I believe I speak for everyone when I say that hamsters look cooler when they’re smoking a cigarette,” Harrington said.

Experts predict that lettuce production should benefit from this news, but the trend has already had adverse affects on senior leaders of the community, most notably in the RHA (Royal Hamsterdam Army). Hamsterdam Hill's borders are not kept safe without cost, and most recently Peanut, the most decorated officer in RHA's history, succumbed to an adorable case of lung cancer this past week. He was meant to be buried, but it seemed like too much of a thing, and we figured as long as its trash day tomorrow he shouldn't stink up the garage too bad. He was 4 and a half, we're pretty sure. If not definitely somewhere around there. 

Michael Twohig Reporting