New Decree From the Mayor

Hello There Citizens, 

It has come to my attention some of you have been passing along a disturbing story, a tale from my past. I want to make sure that I clear this up. You amateurs have been telling it all wrong, and leaving the best parts out. Contrary to popular belief, I did not accidentally turn my family into hamsters using the revolutionary 'Hamster Hand'. I did it on purpose, because it was hilarious. Who wants a regular old human wife? Have you seen a five foot six hamster cook you dinner? Let me tell you it is quite a hoot. And who can forget the hearty laugh we all had watching my son Jimmy put the ball in his cheeks during soccer practice? Bet the defense didn't see that one coming. What I'm trying to say is I don't care what any of you think, because I invented a magical stick that turns things into hamsters, and you didn't. Also I'm Mayor, and I don't see that democratic process coming along anytime soon. It took the Europeans like 1500 years to hammer that whole business out, so good luck with that. Also Billiards League starts this tuesday at the town hall rec room. Should be a good time.

Your Beloved Mayor

Man Frightened of Underpants Dissapearance

Local Bird Enthusiast Howard Washington, 52, would like his neighbors to stop rearranging his underwear drawer. Anna Miller is on the scene with the full report from Washington himself.

"Everytime I go a-drinkin' the next morning my unmentionables are all over the place!" I know it's those damned Webbs next door. They've always been jealous of my undies!"

Washington would also like his neighbors to stop defecating in his shower after he takes too much of his medication.

"When I take my turquoise yummies, as I call them, I pass out in a great hurry. But without fail when I a-come to there is a great stink emanating from my cleanin' stall. I know its those Webbs usin' it! Only hillbillies like them'id do such a thing!"

Just before this reporter left, Washington was seen attempting to milk his car, then, realizing he would likely not get the liquid he seeked, resigned himself to laying under the vehicle until a neighborhood cat sat directly on his face.

-Anna Miller Reporting Live

Jellybean Champ Meets Sad End

Local man Sergio Rodriguez, 34, notable competitive eater, lobbyist, and author, recently failed in his attempt to eclipse his own world record of eating 763,421 jellybeans in one sitting. 

"There's just so many jellybeans one man can eat," A disappointed Rodriguez stated at his press conference immediately following the event. Fans of the four time ice - cream champion eater defended their star eater in the face of his most disappointing display. 

"We still love Sergio. Critics have to remember he is still a world champion. Anyone who can eat 43 pounds of mac and cheese is certainly a hero to me, and one day, I hope, my son." stated fan and avid eater Paul Johnson. A visibly exhausted Rodriguez was seen repeatedly checking his blood sugar throughout the half hour presser. 

"I didn't know it could go this high." an alarmed Rodriguez stated when reading his latest readout, "I should see my doctor right now." 

Fans refused to believe their idol could be suffering from something as trivial as diabetes. As fan and local cable tv access host Carol Carolington stated, "Sergio does not get sick. We hear tales of his eating jellybeans morning, noon, and night for weeks to train. He possesses the body of a superhuman." Rodriguez made repeated attempts to humanize himself in the face of such blinding adulation, but his supporters were smarter than that. 

"Please, let me leave. I really don't feel well. I think I may be going blind, and I can't feel my foot." Rodriguez stated before he appeared to lose consciousness and collapse in a heap, which his supporters were also not buying.

"Oh, that's our Sergio, always just trying to seem like 'one of the guys'" commented supporter Kelsey Mickelson, as Mr. Rodriguez stopped moving.

- Fred Marsden Commenting Live

Mr. Snuggles Birthday Bash Violence

Mr. Snuggles the Cat's birthday party last night attracted four partygoers, three vagrants, two people so high they’re not sure where they are, and a man singing uncontrollably. Fire units were dispatched to smother the cat only after 47 renditions of 'Mary had a little lamb', sang at various stages of drunkenness by Mr. Snuggles. As of press time Mr. Snuggles considered the party "his greatest moment" and thanked the vagrants for "using the litter box, at least most of the time". 

-Gorm Radnog Reporting

Local Man Dies in Attempted Cow Theft

Local man Darren Quaid, 46, perished earlier today after his latest attempt to steal a cow from Cotter’s Farm. This was just the latest in a string of cow related thefts in the area, all of which are suspected to be committed by the same man.

Police investigators at the scene reported that the cow appeard to offer significant resistance to Quaid's repeated attempts to push, pull, coax, shimmy, cajole, yell at, and finally try to frighten the cow before Quaid apparently collapsed in a heap of a heart attack. As of press time the cow could not be reached for comment, but Old Cotter said of the incident “Ya goddam nosy immigrant reporters! Get off my property or i'll bring out ole Sally! You don’t want to get near the business end of Olllle Sally!”

- Fred Marsden - live from the scene

String of Pig Makeovers Terrify Locals

   Local makeup artist and otter memoribila collector David Johnson, 42, is set to be arraigned Monday on a series of breaking and entering charges. After seven weeks of stealing pigs, giving them makeovers, then placing them back in their owners property with ads for his animal makeup service, he was finally arrested after a standoff ended in a police chase. Ed Sullivan is there with the report.

  “Hello Barbara I am at ground zero of what were dubbing ‘bacongate’ and it’s a hectic scene down here.”

   “Yes, it appears so.  Is it true police finally caught Johnson only because of one of his own pigs is testifying against him?”

   “At this stage we can safely say that it was one of two of Johnson’s closest known associates, either miss squiggles, or her longtime lover, P.I.G, as he is reportedly known, are responsible for the leak.”

   "Thank you ed, for that update. But of course we all know where to go for pig makeovers, my very own Anna's pig service! $40 per pig, half off on sunday."

   Having families torn apart by this prolonged period of pig related violence, residents worry if their little town will ever be the same. Mother Janna Jamson had this to say,

“You just don’t feel safe any more. I go out to the market and I feel like I might be jumped by assorted pork and their henchmen."

Assorted Pork, or (Ass), is a thinly veiled all pig criminal organization that have been runnning illegal operations around area for the past decade. The investigation is ongoing but this reporter thinks that she wouldn't mind being given a real fucking assignment for a change.

- Anna Miler On the Case

Pickle Advocate Finally Put Behind Bars

Local squirrel director and germ technician Dan Kweicen, 68, has been wandering around for some time now, muttering things at seemingly random intervals for literally no reason whatsoever. Most recently he has been seen at a deli accosting bypassers about whether or not he knows exactly what is and isn’t a good pickle. “If anybody knows, its me. I’ve lived and died pickle for the last 40 years, and I sure as shit ain’t gonna stop now." Kweicen, who was federally detained a few years ago for advocating a pickle – only menu at the local public schools, and being naked the whole time, claims he has had a breakthrough the last couple of years and is confident his pickle based legislation will indeed pass. 

"Its those damned cucumber farmers! They're growing them like they ain't even loyal to the pickle. They sell those suckers right off the plant! If this was my town that wouldn't just be illegal, i'd be punishable by a pickling."

While this reporter did not stick around to find out exactly what a 'pickling' consisted of, they are curious about where this takes place and if there are any costs involved, because fucking christ this must be the most worthless heap of unfilitered trash of human beings on the planet. If I could just get a real assignment somewhere maybe my parents would stop badgering me about 'majoring in photography' and how online journalism classes are 'too much money if you're going to use our credit card number again'  and 'if they'd be sleeping at home tomorrow, because they're making meatballs, they're your favorite still, right?' 

- Fred Marsden Reporting

Licking Incident At Rascal Flatts Concert

Local taxidermist and animal chiropractor Daniel Nirmburg, 47, was publicly shamed when it was proven beyond a reasonable doubt that he had indeed licked the face of Nina Hobart, 19, at a Rascal Flats concert this past Tuesday. The defendant, who will face up to two weeks in prison, had this to say of the incident at his sentencing.

“I don’t see why y’all cant ‘spress yourself with a lick; what’s so different between a lick and a kind word? Not a lot for me, pardner.”

Nirmburg appeared intoxicated at the time of his sentencing, as he repeatedly made attempts to flee the courtroom, most of the time imitating a type of large ape as he did so. No one in Nirmburg’s camp has been able to be reached for comment, as they have all gone to their respective homes after being fired by the defendant, who according to sources will be represented now by his dog, Fred. Fred reportedly denies any involvement with Mr. Nirmburg and just "wishes he could get a halfway decent walk once in a while, would it kill you?"

- Gorm Radnog - Live From the Courtroom