Local Man Dies in Attempted Cow Theft

Local man Darren Quaid, 46, perished earlier today after his latest attempt to steal a cow from Cotter’s Farm. This was just the latest in a string of cow related thefts in the area, all of which are suspected to be committed by the same man.

Police investigators at the scene reported that the cow appeard to offer significant resistance to Quaid's repeated attempts to push, pull, coax, shimmy, cajole, yell at, and finally try to frighten the cow before Quaid apparently collapsed in a heap of a heart attack. As of press time the cow could not be reached for comment, but Old Cotter said of the incident “Ya goddam nosy immigrant reporters! Get off my property or i'll bring out ole Sally! You don’t want to get near the business end of Olllle Sally!”

- Fred Marsden - live from the scene