Licking Incident At Rascal Flatts Concert

Local taxidermist and animal chiropractor Daniel Nirmburg, 47, was publicly shamed when it was proven beyond a reasonable doubt that he had indeed licked the face of Nina Hobart, 19, at a Rascal Flats concert this past Tuesday. The defendant, who will face up to two weeks in prison, had this to say of the incident at his sentencing.

“I don’t see why y’all cant ‘spress yourself with a lick; what’s so different between a lick and a kind word? Not a lot for me, pardner.”

Nirmburg appeared intoxicated at the time of his sentencing, as he repeatedly made attempts to flee the courtroom, most of the time imitating a type of large ape as he did so. No one in Nirmburg’s camp has been able to be reached for comment, as they have all gone to their respective homes after being fired by the defendant, who according to sources will be represented now by his dog, Fred. Fred reportedly denies any involvement with Mr. Nirmburg and just "wishes he could get a halfway decent walk once in a while, would it kill you?"

- Gorm Radnog - Live From the Courtroom