Pickle Advocate Finally Put Behind Bars

Local squirrel director and germ technician Dan Kweicen, 68, has been wandering around for some time now, muttering things at seemingly random intervals for literally no reason whatsoever. Most recently he has been seen at a deli accosting bypassers about whether or not he knows exactly what is and isn’t a good pickle. “If anybody knows, its me. I’ve lived and died pickle for the last 40 years, and I sure as shit ain’t gonna stop now." Kweicen, who was federally detained a few years ago for advocating a pickle – only menu at the local public schools, and being naked the whole time, claims he has had a breakthrough the last couple of years and is confident his pickle based legislation will indeed pass. 

"Its those damned cucumber farmers! They're growing them like they ain't even loyal to the pickle. They sell those suckers right off the plant! If this was my town that wouldn't just be illegal, i'd be punishable by a pickling."

While this reporter did not stick around to find out exactly what a 'pickling' consisted of, they are curious about where this takes place and if there are any costs involved, because fucking christ this must be the most worthless heap of unfilitered trash of human beings on the planet. If I could just get a real assignment somewhere maybe my parents would stop badgering me about 'majoring in photography' and how online journalism classes are 'too much money if you're going to use our credit card number again'  and 'if they'd be sleeping at home tomorrow, because they're making meatballs, they're your favorite still, right?' 

- Fred Marsden Reporting