Hair Becomes Sentient, Opens School

Ford Lardman, 34, ran screaming from his residence early Thursday morning, according to neighbors who were frightened awake by the incident. Doris Ratface, 67, was not pleased. "He was yelling as loud as all hell, scared my poor poodle! He owes me a poodle. That's how this works!" 

It is widely speculated that the screaming was caused by a batch of human hair spontaneously bursting into life. A Hamsterdam PD investigation concluded that the hair, which responds only to "King Hairy", burst into life in Lardman's sink around 630 AM Thursday.

King Hairy has since opened a school where others can learn of what he refers to as "The plight of hair everywhere". In remarks at an opulent grand opening ceremony of his school last night, King Hairy explained his position. "Brothers and sisters of hair, awaken and unite behind me! The lowly humans shall know the true price of their crimes against our kind!" The hair in attendance, apparently content, did not unite behind him. 

The thousands who attended the school's opening became violent at times. "We just came here to get a piece of Hairy!" exclaimed self-professed Hairy superfan Karen Thompson, 17, who was tackled by security after attempting to rush the stage. According to the police transcript, Thompson flailed wildly before being restrained by police. "If I could get just a small part of him..............I could secure immortality!" 

Thompson, whose parents' posted her bail late Thursday night, is not allowed to go out for three whole weeks.