Judge Acquits Lamp of All Charges

Judge Judy Johnson, 57, of Southern Hamsterdam Hill's district 7, ruled in favor of a lamp who was facing a life sentence on charges of "being a really fucking ugly lamp". The accusations were leveled by its owner, Jeb Wanderer, 26. In remarks outside of the courtroom after the landmark decision, Jeb explained, "Nobody likes that lamp. I think its older than me. I only have it because mom was going to throw it out." 

Wanderer has hated his lamp for years. "I mean, look at it. I didn't know a lamp could make me feel sad."

Lamp's attorney, Lia Masden, 38, took stock in the meaning of her client's major win. "This is not just a win for lamp, it is a win for lamps desperately fighting for their civil rights all over the world."