Local Man Fights Self, Loses

Local gourdkeeper and neurosurgeon Larry Hapsburg, 47, was arrested early Tuesday afternoon after losing an hourlong fight with himself. Police were alerted when neighbors saw Larry in his front yard. "I knew something was wrong right away," stated neighbor Jan Dabdab, 23, "when I didn't see him in his usual spot on his roof throwing bottlecaps at and screaming at passing schoolchildren." 

Hapsburg was widely known as the leading neurosurgeon in Hamsterdam Hill, before the spectacular failure of his "Hey, You! Yes You! Hand me your Brain!" campaign, in which he accosted anyone near him and asked that he "borrow" their brains for research. "I won't keep it for long!" residents recall him saying, as he attempted to lure them into his basement lab with promises of remarkably increased intelligence. "Now why would you want to keep that silly old brain of yours? Hand over that Model T in your noggin and I'll have it turned into a Ferrari in no time! .......As smart as Einstein? Brother, Einstein will be reduced to a mere historical footnote by the time you're done!" 

The campaign's failure drove Hapsburg mad, culminating in Tuesday night's incident, in which he severely bruised several of his own limbs before knocking himself out cold. "It looked like he was trying to prize open a particularly difficult jar, only there was no jar." remarked local boy Darvin McDanielJohnson, 9, as he watched the event unfold from his front porch. 

As of press time Hapsburg has been transferred out of Ham Hill Hospital and into the long term care facility Hamsterdam Home, which coincidentally houses several dozen of his "Hand Me Your Brain" campaign's victims.