Normal Spotted in West Hamsterdam Hill
At 7:09 PM ET local time, it was reported that there was a Normal walking through town, probably up to no good.
"I couldn't see his eyes, but I'm sure they were red and filled with rage!" Fram Hordor, 25, explained to reporters several days later. "He looked like he was a-fixin' to scoop up some of our chill'in and take them back to his fort for exam-ination."
Out-of-towners, or "Normals" as they are known colloquially, are rarely spotted in Hamsterdam Hill. A visit by one usually ends in violence, or at least, non stop photo ops.
"I want one, I want one!" Laura Laura, 14, shrieked as she jostled for position in the horde that quickly surrounded the Normal. "Look at his skin, it's so soft! I want some for my Nature Box."
The Normal, terrified, submitted to dozens of photos with locals, the ops stretching late into the night and even into the next morning. The crowd continued to grow, until most of the town was surrounding the weary traveler. This is not unusual for the town, states Ham Hill Police Chief Sandy Sandy. "They just adore a Normal. And there's really nothing I can do to stop them. This one doesn't look like he has long left, the poor thing."
Dental records later identified the Normal as Carter Garrison, 19, of West Virginia. He apparently took several wrong turns hiking and stumbled into town, according to his increasingly worried begging with residents. "I just need some water and a bit of food and I'll be on my way. Please, I need to rest.......yes, I guess I'll take a picture with your daughter.....No I'm not taking my clothes off for it.....OK OK Fine! How about if I take my shirt off only?"
Garrison's condition slowly worsened until he passed out two days after arriving, after posing for several hundred pictures. As he lay in a heap, confused residents argued about what to do. "He just needs cookies! His inside sugars are low. If we can get a few cookies into 'im, he'll be ready to roll in no time", stated local doctor Johnny Cakes, 56. "Believe me, I've done this many times before. It's never worked, but that doesn't mean I stop trying, goddammit!"
Garrison, while immediately unresponsive to cookie therapy, was left there to "let those cookies get to workin'". His body was only found weeks later when Ham Hill police responded to a call regarding a powerful odor emanating from Larry's Shaman Office. After police arrived, it was clear poor Garrison had perished some time ago, and was being used for spiritual healing reasons. "Normals have exceptionally high amounts of Jazz Energy, which is the most prized of the energies." Larry Bogbaker, 34, of Larry's Shaman Office, explained to police, "it just takes a little time to extract, is all. I mean you wouldn't believe the amount of dancing required to get these energies out. I've had to make two Sunny D runs just in the last hour or so. But it's the value of the work that keeps you going."