Mayor Harrington Announces New Town Name

At 7:46 AM local time, loud claxons were heard, alerting the townspeople to a Mayoral News Update. In five swift minutes, most of the town had gathered in the Town Square.

Intercoms throughout the town lurched into life with bursts of static. 

"Dear citizens! From now on, you will not be members of some cheap, half-bit jurisdiction! No! My wonderful beautiful people! This great glittering city on a hill deserves a name befitting its status! That is why, from now on, Hamsterdam Hill will be known as the Democratic People's Republic of Hamsterdam Hill. That is all. " 

Much of the populace appeared confused and vaguely annoyed at having been summoned for the non-event. Some of them had already dispersed before the speakers sputtered out a second message. 

"Oh yes!" the Mayor exclaimed. "I forgot the important bit. Report for Work Registration immediately. If you do not do so....let's just do so, ok? That is all."

Before the increasing confusing townspeople had time to react, hundreds of 12 foot Hamster guards emerged from what felt like thin air, and began ordering everyone into lines. 

"Let's go now, hop to it, people!" The enormous rodents barked, brandishing large two pronged spears to ensure compliance. 

The mayor continued, "Let's just say I'm doing you all a favor, you lazy bones! Do you know how much chronic illness is caused by inactivity? .....I'm not sure of the exact figure but I've been told it's a lot. Imagine how much 20 hour shifts at the salami mines will improve your everyday health!" 

Burt Baxter, owner of Standard Meat and the largest salami mine in the territory, was pleased with the new developments. "By jiminy, finally some workers! You do not know how difficult it is to get people to mine for salami, even if you kidnap and threaten their family! This is much easier. I swear, one day we'll find salami down there." 

When pressed on his mine's output of zero salami ore in its year plus of operation, Baxter was defiant. "Of course you snowflakes want to give up after only a year and a half. How do you know salami isn't underground unless you look? There could be salami everywhere you don't look for it! There may be salami right behind you, right this very moment! Ahhhh!" Baxter exclaimed, seemingly frightened by his own assertion of omnipresent salami. 

"You just never know, you just never know, you just never know" Baxter continued saying, repeatedly, as sank to the floor, looking into the middle distance.