Hamsterdam Hill E.P.A Announces New Child Bathing Guidelines

The Chief of Hamsterdam Hill's Environmental Protection Agency, Dott Jewitt, 49, released the agency's latest guidelines for children's health at an opulent news conference late Friday morning. "We don't have nearly enough children bathing in copper. The agency recommends that optimal child health is best achieved by bathing them in mining runoff at least 3 times daily."

Jewitt's entrance was flashy as usual, entering through the roof of the facility having ejected from an F-35 Lightning fighter plane. "I need to enter by fighter plane. How else do you expect me to withstand you slobbering, ravenous hordes?" Jewitt responded when asked about the necessity of his transportation's estimated $450,000 cost. 

Jewitt spent much of the rest of the presser presenting crudely drawn posters illustrating exactly how metallic resident's children should be. "See here, when you can not bear to look at them due to the reflective glare in strong sunlight," explained Jewitt, as several diamonds spilt from his apparently bulging pockets, "That's when you know you've hit the sweet spot." Jewitt then stammered, "No more questions!", before waddling away, leaving a trail of diamonds and priceless Egyptian artifacts in his wake. 

"Start the car, start the car!" Jewitt screamed at his associates, who began the several minute process of firing up Ol' Ozone, the administrator's custom built coal-powered limousine. The vehicle spluttered to life, eventually reaching its top speed of 4 mph.

"I'll have all of you rounded up and sold for cheap fuel! Don't you understand? Your pitiful lives are in my hands!" screamed Jewitt from the lurching machine, as the crowd of reporters kept pace by walking briskly.