Local Chemist Introduces Cure-All Elixir

"I haven't felt this good since I was a tiny child!"

"Not until now has my body been my body."

"My face is all fuzzy-feeling. Wonderful."

The reviews are in, and Ham Hill residents cannot get enough of local chemist and germ manager Rolinda Gerginjohn's latest potion, the Elixir Cure-All For Optimal Health. The Elixir is a stark turn from Gerginjohn's previous concoction, a noxious mix of vinegar and trapped farts. 

When asked about why her latest elixir is so successful, Gerginjohn noted, "I didn't use as much trapped farts this time. Also, my delivery method is different."

Gerginjohn was referring to her Potion-O-Matic, a ramshackle catapult-like contraption perched atop her 1971 AMC Gremlin, which hurled her products at unwitting passersby. "I always thought people liked their elixir best when flung at them at a considerable rate. It turns out that is not necessarily the case." 

Some long time fans are not pleased with the change. "What good is health-elixir if you ain't dodging large glass bottles aimed directly at your head?" argued 76 year old jean marinator John McJimmyjohns. "Not to mention her newest cure-all contains multitudes less of the vinegar-fart combo that I rely on to put me in a right foul mood."

The popularity of the new mixture has led to rampant speculation on its contents. "I'm pretty sure it's just a bottle full of live flies", observed avid potion fan Dirk Meddler, 34. "And oh, are they restless!" Meddler exclaimed as he took another healthy draught of the potion, releasing several flies to safety while fighting to keep a few others captured in his mouth.