Mr. Jenkins' Birthday Celebration Results in Only 3 Injuries, in Unusually Tame Affair

Local celebrity and alligator mogul Peter Jenkins’s 48th birthday party resulted in far fewer serious injuries than usual, prompting some to wonder if it was really that great of a time.

“I mean Mr. Jenkins’ birthday party is our super bowl,” noted top Ham Hill surgeon Trout Salmon, 54. “But this year I barely had any patients with major trauma. Where’s the sport in that?”

Many partygoers reported that the usually raucous Alligator Fights were especially sedate. "The gators just didn’t have their hearts in it this year. They seemed a little sleepy. I wonder if it had anything to do with that guy walking around feeding them strange meat?”

Local taxi expert and amateur meat creator Randy Supple, 34, was spotted in the Alligator Pits, handing out free meat samples to the gators. “That’s it, big mama, you try some of this, it’ll cure all that ails ya!” he was overheard whispering to the massive reptiles, handing them each a 2 lb. slab of his patented “Medicine Meat”, which according to a handwritten sign Supple was wearing around his neck for the duration of the party, ensures “newfound vitality, sexual spunk, and relaxation”. Most of the gators simply went to sleep after receiving the meat, barely reacting to partygoers hurling themselves at them.

“C’mon, you silly reptile!” screamed Harry Mcmanaman, 21, after drunkenly flinging himself atop an uninterested 800 pound male alligator, before beating it with his fists. “This one don’t work! Why don’t it want to eat me! This party sucks, man. If I had wanted lame gators, I would have stayed at home.”