Mystical Island Discovered in Ham Hill Bay

At 1:35PM local time it was reported that local trash exporter Fritz Crustburger, 54, bumped into an island entirely untouched by modern civilization.

“I was just doing my usual divin’ for shiny trash, and when I came up from a’snorklin’ I realized i was on a beach i never’d seen before! Naturally I had to inquire within as to if they have any exciting garbage they’d be willin’ to part with.”

The island, only a mile or so off the coast and nestled in Ham Hill Bay, contains all manner of natural wonders including an endemic group of apparently hyper intelligent beings.

“I walked up to one of them creatures, only way I can describe it is if a lizard was also a ghost rhinoceros?” Crustburger continued, breathlessly, “I was terrified so I turned to run but my legs wouldn’t move. The beast then sort of cocked its head and looked at me, and suddenly I felt my gout disappear! Then it started talking to me without moving its mouth, like it was inside my head! It said ‘Hello, Stinky Man, Welcome to Romanthia. I am Senator Dros, Ambassador to the Outerlands. Please, Enjoy a Complimentary Sourcake. It is Made of Pure Earth and Light, and Will Solve Your Maladies.’”

Upon receiving the sourcake, Crustburger took a bite and immediately threw up. His body, used to ingesting exclusively whiskey and beef jerky, was incapable of processing the ultra healthy ingredients.

Debate since the landmark scientific discovery has centered on why a mystical island home to helpful beings has only just been revealed to local residents. Suspicion has largely fallen around Mayor Harringtons ‘NO BOATS, DADGUMMIT’ policy, which restricts boat permits to only whoever Mayor Harrington deems worthy. As of press time, the only boat permits ever granted have been to the Mayor himself, and his 4 lb. Yorkshire Terrier, Wendy.

“Wendy is a girl of the seas!” The mayor stammered in a terse statement to reporters outside of his Mayoral Palace shortly after the discovery. “She can’t be tied to the land, she is too precious! Also, I can’t have you filthy mongrel townsfolk bumping into Romanthia all the time. First of all, you’d probably immediately eat the Romanthians. They’re quite good on toast, I’ve…heard. Then you’d all demand Romanthian luxuries, like coal-free water. You know it’s a myth that coal isn’t healthful. Why coal is good for you! I eat it as a snack. Excellent for the teeth. It is a known fact that humans simply have too many teeth, and munching on coal can really help with—” Mayor Harrington trailed off, before scurrying into his Mayoral AirBus, a massive, building-size hot air balloon that was idling nearby, and ascending to the skies.

As is Mayoral Decree, Wendy shall assume head-of-state responsibilities until Mayor Harrington’s return. Mayoral air trips usually last anywhere from three weeks to a year.