Local Man Drives Through Own House

Disturbed neighbors reported that local pickle inspector Tram Mailman, 36, rammed his minivan clean through his house. Police were called to the scene at 6AM on Saturday morning to quickly realized that the only casualty was Mailman himself, who was thrown from his vehicle after driving it through his own living room. Mailman miraculously only sustained mild injuries, as he did not have a windshield at the time.

Tram appeared unfazed following the incident.

“Everybody made fun of old Tram. ‘Tram, why don’t you get a windshield?’ they said. ‘Tram it’s raining I’m getting wet’ they said. ‘Tram I can’t see my eyes are watering’ they said. But who’s saying stuff now? Me! I’m saying it. And I got to knock down my house for free! They were gonna make my pay for that.”

Mailman was apparently demolishing his house on purpose, as he suspects gold to be underneath.

“Ever since I bought this property, I had a hunch there was somethin’ pretty underneath it. You see the rocks in my yard? They’re shiny as hell. That’s evidence right there.”

Local geologists report no evidence of gold on the property. “I’m not sure which shiny rocks he’s referring too, but a few do seem to be wet.”

“You gotta keep your rocks fresh! I like to water ‘em in the morning. Can’t have them dyin’ on you, “ Mailman remarked, as he hosed down a large collection of rocks in his front yard. “See, I told you they were shiny. They got secrets, they just ain’t tellin’…..yet.”