Boy Admits he is 1,000 year old Martian

Local Boy Martin Martingaleface, 7, held a press conference outside his advanced treehouse to admit that he is in fact a 1,200 year old Martian who has telepathically convinced George and Agnes Martingaleface that he was their little boy.

“It is with deep regret that I publicly announce that I am in fact a Martian,” said Martingaleface, without opening his mouth, to an enthralled group of townsfolk.

“I had intended to be an envoy, who, after ingratiating myself with the local population, would send word back to Mars that Earthlings were suitable intergalactic partners. Quite obviously, you are not.” A hush fell over the crowd.

“I mean c’mon guys, you haven’t even been to Mars yet. We’re literally the next planet over. I can travel from here to Mars and back in a millisecond.” Martingale disappeared briefly before reappearing. “See? I was just on Mars.” The crowd began to get restless, and confused. “It’s called teleportation, people! Simple stuff. And you’ve been evolving for a million years already? You really should at the very least have figured out basic antimatter propulsion.”

Several locals expressed less surprise than others at the shocking announcement.

"I knew that boy wasn’t right,” confirmed local beetle enthusiast Norm Pantshole, 44. “He vaporized my poor Billy with a ray gun, before reversing time with some sort of wristwatch, making Billy re-materialize. But ever since, Billy will only eat pickle sandwiches, and he has to be hanging upside down while eating them. I took that Martingaleface boy’s ray gun and told him he could have it back after a time out. Only fair.”

“We always knew our little Martin was a bit different,” admitted Agnes Martingaleface, 34, the boy’s mother. “You just have a feeling, as a mother, when your boy is special. Also the fact that he materialized in our living room in a burst of white light one day six years ago. And that he can move things with his mind. It’s those little things that only a mother knows.”

Martingaleface concluded his press conference with a warning. “I’ve talked to the Space Council, and they’re willing to give you all one millenium to get your shit together.” Confused whispers shot through the crowd. Martingale sighed heavily before continuing.

“A millennium is 1,000 years,” explained Martingaleface. Many “I knew that’s” were muttered.

“And I’ll have you know, I argued hard for that. I do enjoy you stupid earthlings, and your simple pleasures, such as your slobbering friends known as do-ogs. I shall now be one for the next 1,000 years to observe and report on your progress. That is all.”

Martingaleface then transformed into an adorable beagle, before concluding his press conference with a bark, and leaping off stage.