Escaped Intelligent Bear Opens Salmon Store

Several locals have reported a new salmon store has recently opened in the parking lot of the Ham Hill Wilderness Reserve. It is apparently run by an actual bear, who it is rumored escaped a local mad scientist’s laboratory.

The semi-intelligent bear set up his shop approximately three weeks ago, to rave reviews from townsfolk. The shop consists of a wet jumble of tree stumps, upon which various torn apart salmon are displayed. The bear is usually seen from around 12-4PM, proudly sitting behind his wares. The bear impressively seems to have a rudimentary grasp of language, having scratched a “Salmen Four Sail” sign in the tree stumps.

“His prices are amazing! If you can get over that the salmon is sometimes half eaten, you can’t beat it. I just leave him a pile of blueberries, and he’s usually cool with that. I do say usually, though,” remarked local egg watcher Coreyfart Jim, 23, who showed off an impressive gash in her forearm. “His prices change sometimes, without warning. At no other fish store is the threat of mauling so present. It’s very thrilling!”

“Best fish store in town. Hands down. Look at that salmon,” observed Marty Edbert, 47, while pointing at the bright red fish that was still moving slightly on the tree stumps. Meanwhile, the bear was taking a well earned break, rubbing his butt on a tree behind his store, making satisfied noises. “Him and that tree,” Edbert chuckled, while tearing up. “I wish I had a love like that, you know? A real, visceral love.” Edbert began crying as he got back in his pickup, yelling out the window, “You cherish that, bear, y’hear! Cherish it!”

The bear is reportedly the result of extensive and highly illegal experiments done by local mad scientist Dr. Abner Doom. “Do you know how many test subjects you need to go through before successfully combining human intelligence with a bear body?” asked Dr. Doom, 69, who has been investigated several times by Ham Hill Police.

“I mean, purely hypothetically, you need 47.”