Local Cabbage Church Burns Down
The Hamsterdam Hill Fire Brigade responded to a late night call around 4:06 AM Thursday night, to find the Cabbage Church totally engulfed in flames.
“We got there as quickly as we could, but cabbages are quite flammable. Whole place went up in seconds. And good god, the smell. Do you know what burnt cabbage smells like? It’s like old pants, on fire. Anyway, we get there, and get everyone out safe, but they’re begging us to go back in, after some ancient cabbage relic.”
It has now been confirmed that while every member of the Cabbage Church survived, one of their great artifacts, the Great Stinky Leaf, allegedly part of All-Cabbage, was destroyed in the fire.
“You just think, why me? Why was I allowed to survive, while the Great Stinky Leaf is left to die? Only All-Cabbage knows, and we must trust His judgement,” observed local grease detective and cabbage worshiper Track Rabblebam, 24.
The Cabbage Church has grown exponentially in Hamsterdam Hill ever since its members settled in the remote town twelve years ago, having been rejected as a tax-exempt religion by forty-seven states. It is based around a belief system that All-Cabbage, a massive, floating, sentient cabbage, created the world 34 years ago.
“We were just so happy to have found a home, after so few people understood us. Here in Hamsterdam Hill, people don’t care if you worship a giant, all-knowing cabbage. In fact, our membership has never been stronger. We had 14 people join just last week,” remarked the Ham Hill Cabbage Church chapter leader, Poppie Flab, 51.
“Honestly, I’m just here for the food. You got cabbage soup, fried cabbage, stuffed cabbage, corned beef and cabbage, and that’s it really. But those four dishes are super solid. Cabbage soup has to be my favorite. The cabbage gets all wet and translucent, so its trash-like flavor can really shine through,” said one of the churches newest members, Borlack JohnsonMcJohnson, 17.
The Cabbage Church believes that only by ingesting cabbage can one be truly holy, and that by eating it several times a day, they are imbued with the great powers of All-Cabbage. This leads some of their members to have a slightly green, sickly hue, which can make them easily spotted around town. That and the fact that the Cabbage Church requires its members to be totally naked at all times, wearing only a Cabbage Crown, which consists of three cabbages stapled together.