Swamp Monster Probably Just Bob

As Hamsterdam Hill Police were once again called to investigate a creature wandering around the marshy wetlands of South Ham Hill, most residents were pretty sure it was just Bob.

“I think it gives him something to do. Putting on the tentacles, the makeup, wandering around and making low, heaving sounds: it’s his thing. He used to do it all the time in college. We would think it’s a hoot,” said local table setter and neighbor Alice Ratbowl, 31.

The Swamp Monster has kicked up a considerable fuss as it has been sneaking up and scaring residents, especially on late night walks.

“I was taking Bowser out, see this is Bowser,” said local paint tester Yardley Fox, 52, pointing to his jack russell terrier, “and suddenly behind us I heard this loud, wet, flapping sound. It was Bob, from down the block, he had startled us a bit but you could see it was clearly him, he had green and black makeup all over his face, and these long rubber hoses taped to his arms. He made some heaving noises, but he was still wearing his Reeboks so I just said hullo.”

Reports of Monsters in town have increased 567% in recent weeks, coinciding with Mayor Harrington’s “Be Scared!” campaign, in which he promised $83 a week to anyone in town who dresses up like a monster and scares fellow residents.

“We’ve become too complacent in this town. What would you do if you came across a real mummy, or perhaps a Frankenstein, hmmmm? Why you would be flummoxed. But I hope now we’ll have hordes of you imbeciles roaming the streets, preparing us for the time when, inevitably, monsters will invade,” Mayor Harrington noted in his weekly address, “Now flee, townspeople! Get out there and be scared!” The Mayor yelled, before releasing his hounds on the assembled press.