Ancient Mummy Comes to Life, Is Boring

Researchers at the Hamsterdam Hill Anthropological Institute reported one of the most significant findings in the history of the town: a 2,567 year old mummy from a previously unknown people was preserved perfectly, and had in fact burst into life.

"We thought this would be an incredible day,” said lead researcher Perm Friend, 52, “as this mummy is from an entirely new tribe, and in fact even can walk and speak, even after all these years. But the damn thing won’t shut up. And it’s not anything you want to know.”

The ancient man, who can miraculously communicate with local researchers, has been droning on and on ever since he gasped to life shortly after being found by the scientists.

“At first I was super excited, I mean everyone was. But after about the fourth hour of being told how itchy his wrappings are, I’m thinking we should just shut him back in for another 2,567 years,” muttered assistant anthropologist Led Turpentine, 37.

The mummy, identifying itself only as “Gerald”, was interviewed for an hour and a half before the reporter, feeling drowsy, made up an excuse about walking a dog they do not own to remove themselves from the utterly tedious situation.

“You would not believe how dry it is in there,” complained Gerald as several anthropologists struggled to seem interested, “I told my architects, don’t just use these big stone slabs! I mean c’mon there’s no ventilation at all! But they didn’t listen, they used these huge stone slabs, they brought them in from god knows where, but they were so heavy, and drab. I mean, you’re going to use stone, at least get me a nice color! But these were just gray. Gray! I mean can you think of a less interesting color to have to look at for 3,000 years? I can’t, I’ll tell you that. Tan even would have been preferable. Tan is a funny word, isn’t it? I just realized that. It kind of sounds like ‘Dan’. I suppose it is it…….”