Blood Bay Opens to Great Fanfare

Hamsterdam Hill’s long-awaited waterpark, Blood Bay, opened to much fanfare last weekend. Its opening was highly anticipated, as it is the world’s only theme park that features thousands of ravenous vampire bats.

“We get especially big vampire bats out here in Blood Bay. Nobody knows why. But they sure do make for an exciting day. Bring the whole family, and lose some of that blood! What are you using all that blood for anyway? It’s simply weighing you down!” boomed Blam Skunkmyer, 56, the proprietor and creator of Blood Bay, at the grand opening.

Visitors have been thrilled all week by the giant bats that terrorize them on the way to and from various classic amusement park attractions, such as the Hurl-a-Whirl, ferris wheel, and bat-themed roller coaster.

“I am just so sick of regular theme parks, which hardly have any winged, carnivorous mammals. I went to Six Flags last month and I left after 15 minutes. I asked their front desk: ‘Where are your flying beasts?’ and they just looked at me, they couldn’t even answer they were so embarrassed. Oh shit!” shouted Kathy Glab, 44, of West Hamsterdam Hill, as she batted away a pack of voracious bats.

The vampire bats of Blood Bay are roughly double the size of a regular vampire bat, and do not wait until it is totally dark to feed as is the norm for the species, making them a constant presence in the park.

“We really do think it’s important that the bats are an unnerving menace at all times to our guests,” Skunkmyer noted, “Our valued customers come from all around the world for the bats, and they stay for the bats. Though not usually for very long. Most guests run, screaming, back out of the park mere moments after they enter.”