Chum's Boiled Stew Shop Closes "Due to Economy, Definitely Not the Taste"

Longtime boiled stew shopowner Chum Ackley, 62, has been forced to fire his only employee as his sales have dropped precipitously in recent months.

“I’m only selling 1 or 2 Boiled Stew Specials a month now. That’s down from almost once a week before that. I had to lay off ole Dorothy here,” Ackley lamented, pointing at his 11 year old bloodhound. “I don’t pay her, technically, but I’m going to have to cut down on the treats.”

Chum’s Boiled Stew shop is well known for being that one store in town that never looks open.

“You can go in there? I had no idea,” observed local car licker Rub Mittens, 31, “I assumed they were out of business. I was actually in the mood for stew one day but this giant dog barked at me a lot when I got close to the store, and it looked like some guy was peering at me through the blinds. Not a great vibe.”

After many interviews were conducted, only one resident could even remember eating Chum’s stew.

“You know what, I did get stew there once. It was 1973, I remember because my sweetheart was just back from the war. We were so giddy, we wandered into this strange shop and ordered two stews. I’ve never had anything so gray in my life. The meat in it was gray, the broth was gray, even the vegetables were gray. If I had to describe the taste, it would be ‘gray’,” noted local otter cleaner Pam Jerrywinkle, 68.

Chum insists it is market forces, rather than his recipe, affecting sales.

“It’s these damn taxes. The soup is still great, see?,'“ Chum lifted up a spoon full of grey sludge and slurped, before recoiling horribly.

“Gah! I should have tasted this more often. Haven’t tasted the stew since ‘86.”