Spikeball Legend Says New Players "Should Cry More"

The most prolific Spikeball player in the history of Hamsterdam Hill has retired at the tender age of 72.

“Game isn’t what it once was. I see these younger players playing with gloves. Defeats the whole purpose! Your hands should be a bloody pulp at the end of a game,” yelled Zebediah Nobbins, 72, “You should have wet yourself at by the end, if you’re playing right. Now you have some players merely whimpering, some don’t even cry! Poppycock.”

Spikeball is the longtime top sport in Hamsterdam Hill, involving a large, metal ball with spikes that is tossed from player to player until one player is left standing. Nobbins has been the undisputed top champion for 50 years. Many argue it is because he has two metal hands.

“He doesn’t even bleed!” argued longtime runner up Bobley Wrinklestein, 76, “You simply can’t have a spikeball match without blood. It’s like eating a pizza without cheese, or a watermelon without sour cream.”

Spikeball was invented by local youths in 1952 after they came upon a massive, discarded surplus of discarded metal, spiked balls in the woods, allegedly part of a failed US army weapons program. Since then, it has taken off in Hamsterdam Hill, its popularity unsurpassed by the more mainstream American sports.

“Where’s the screaming? That’s what I always ask whenever my husband puts on a basketball match,” complained local door massager Norah Dinklehose, 34, “Also, there’s hardly any players crying out for their mother, or doubled over in unspeakable pain. Many of the basketballers just walk off the court at the end, instead of being escorted to the emergency room! I just don’t see the appeal.”