How To: Make a Frantic Fizz with Art Ester
Hello there friends! Welcome to another exciting how-to, taking place in my very own basement lab. No one has yet seen what I do down here, and that’s a relief! If they did, they would never, ever, ever be able to forget what they saw. My dreams are haunted every night by the horrors that are my creations. On that note, let’s mix a fun drink for New Year’s eve! We can’t be hanging around strangers without being staggeringly drunk.
Materials List
2 liters of vodka
Fourteen lemons
Sugar
A child who is not your own
Let’s get mixing!
Start by zesting the lemons, placing all of the zest in one big bowl. Double check that the bowl is free of any stray organs or live abominations from previous experiments.
Avoid drinking all of the vodka now while you prep the drinks. You will need to save a little for the drinks themselves. Although you do deserve a sip, don’t you? After all, you’re the one putting in all the work here. What’s everyone else doing? Just sitting there on your nice couch, jabbering away.
Pull out your martini glasses. If you do not have martini glasses, anything watertight will do.* *Consider putting the drinks in water balloons, if you have some handy. This will give your guests more of a challenge, and make them really prove their worth to you as friends. If they can successfully drink their balloon before it punctures and ruins your couch, they can continue to enjoy your presence.
After each guest attempts to drink their drink, line them up in order of worthiness.
Castigate the failures, screaming, “You’re not my friends! How can you be? I am only friends with winners, which you decidedly are not. Who are you all, really????” and demand all of the imposters remove their disguises.
Help them remove their disguises if they pretend to be confused. They may resist.
Curse yourself for not identifying the spies earlier.
There are too many of them; the only option now is to flee.
After loudly proclaiming that you ate a large amount of cheese, slink into the bathroom.
If the bathroom has a window, climb out.
Jump to safety. If you are higher than a couple of stories, try to locate a giant marshmallow to cushion your fall. If there are no giant marshmallows, just remember the Golden Rule: “Don’t Jump Onto Spikes!” They will likely hurt you.